I started to clean out the garage today.
So many things had piled up that I didn’t know where to begin.
There was the car seat that Camden used to sit on.
There was a stroller on top of the table saw. It was my youngest son’s – Cheney.
There was a crumpled up bathing suit at the corner under a piece of plywood that Candra – my eldest child – wore when she was small.
Everything in the garage had a layer of dust. Picking up any single item would unsettle the peaceful slumber of the minute particles and cause the hair on anyone’s arm to stand up and salute.
When I picked up the Blue’s Clues Thinking chair that my children once sat on, I started to think back about the time this chair was the object of argument between them.
That thought led me to thinking about some of the raucous arguments the children had in our minivan. I remember myself yelling, cursing as I threatened to spank if they didn’t stop arguing. I wish I would have taken the time to look to my right to see the hurt on my wife’s face.
That thought led me to thinking about the time my wife told me about all the little things that caused our marriage to fail.
Then that thought led me to thinking about the time Camden tearfully pleaded with me “Daddy, you’re never going to leave are you?” and the promise I made that I would never even think of leaving.
That thought led me to the picture that is now vividly painted in my memories, the hurt in Camden’s eyes as he looked at me across the park after he learned mommy and daddy were getting divorced.
Then with desperation in my heart, I held the Thinking chair between my arms and squeezed as tightly as I could.
I buried my face into the fabric of the chair as dust and tears mingled.
I couldn’t hold back the tears as the thought of losing my children coursed excruciatingly through my veins to burn deep within my soul. It was something I never dreamed of happening.
How could I have let it come to this? I prayed to God to forgive my transgressions and give me the strength to live on.
Another thought intruded my torrential flow of emotions to lead me to the scene where I am pleading with their mommy - "please give me another chance"
One last thought invaded my mind: I remembered the look on my wife's face as she told me she never wanted anything more to do with me. It was the exact same look she once gave her father.
So I put the chair down.
I begin to pick up sordid unimportant things here, put away some tools there, placing some of the children's belongings in boxes - trying not to put a memory on any one toy or item that may bring back any flashbacks.
At least if I kept moving, without looking what's ahead of me, I wouldn't have to worry about being overwhelmed. Ultimately, the garage will be clean again to where more discarded memories can be placed.
5 comments:
Hurting for you just reading these words, bro. I really have nothing to say but that I love you and pray God's comfort and peace upon you, your wife, and the children. Please let me know if you ever need anything at all.
You are all in my prayers. Please let Easy and I know if there is anything we can do for you. Even if you just need some company we're here for you.
Wow! You have a talent for writing! This is not the way that I wanted to discover it!
You have been on my mind constantly and I wish there was something I could tell you that would be of help.
Marriage is work and I know I take it for granted all too often. Hindsight brings clarity but it certainly does not change that which it is viewing. Move forward with a vow to get better and take action to do better. Always take the high road and leave your pride at the dumpster.
You are still, always welcome to come out for our meeting tomorrow night. It will at least give you something constructive to do during this season. The relationships that I have built with those in our business have challenged and strengthened me. It is not all about the money! (although that's good too!)
I will help you any way that I can in any capacity that I can.
Keep the main thing the main thing. Read and pray daily, constantly!
Later,
Dennis
Emmy,
This really touched home with me. I know the feeling of helplessness and ultimate loss when you find out that the other part of you - perhaps the better part of you - decides you are not their counterpoint in this torrent ocean we call life. I have had a lot of friends help me through my battle over the past few months and I am eternally greatful. One in particular made me realize that sometime, you just have to go for what you believe in.
When looking out towards the ocean, there is not a man who would back down from the adventure that lies ahead. He builds his boat of solid wood and steel and he is very proud of it - it is a physical realization of a once ghostly apparition in his mind, and he can't wait to test it in those waters. But sometimes, those waters can become rough and toss the ship around, and rocks and beasts from the deep can cause the ship to shatter... and splinter... and become shrapnel scattered on, across, and beneath the waters. Then, all a man can do is hang on to a piece of it until he reaches the shores again where the waters can not defeat him. He may need some time, but soon, he will look out at that ocean and another ghost will appear in his mind, and from it will spawn another ship, a better ship, or even sometimes a patch and sturdy binding to repair the one he once had, and being the man that he is, he will attack the waters once again, and God as his witness and first mate, he will succeed. Every man's ship is his own, whether it be his marriage, his faith, etc. And God gave us all the greatest gift in the world...FREE WILL. With it you can cross an ocean to another world, or you can shatter someone's ship. But I'll leave you with something my better half told me once we rebuilt our ship together - God doesn't give you more than you can handle. He will lighten the load you carry, or he will strengthen your back. Hang in there buddy.
-Brandon
Brandon.....God cannot be the first mate. He is Captain or nothing at all!
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